o.k.

Every Thursday morning, the other Whitney interns and I attend "Seminar," which is basically a two-hour meeting to hear representatives from other departments in the museum. We learn about who they are, what they do, how they got to this point in their career, etc. For most interns, this is a helpful and inspiring exercise in which you learn about possible careers in the museum. For me, however, it's a time to endure the panic and pain of self-evaluation. Instead of listening to the curators, publishers, educators, conservators, etc., I spend most of the two-hours thinking "ohmigod. these people are too cool. i obviously made the wrong decision. why am i so behind? why can't i be as successful? why am i still in school?"

This is where being o.k. is important. I have to be o.k. with my present situation. I have to be o.k. with being a grad student intern. I am constantly second-guessing myself, questioning whether I am really at the ideal place at the perfect time. I am endlessly looking for something better, probing the waters for the next big leap. Although this has gotten me far in my "career" thus far, I have to sit back and look at the big picture. What does it mean to be an art historian? What does it mean to go through this extensive process, in which you're never sure if you're right or wrong, hip or dull, smart or stupid, right-on or totally-off?

It's infuriating and exacerbated by the fact that I don't have an advisor. No wise elder to help me maneuver through this path. I'm hopeful that by the end of next year, I will have a fabulous, witty, and compassionate advisor to advise me. Until then, I will have to be o.k. with my current situation.